The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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