I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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