All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
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Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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