I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
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You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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