seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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