the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
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Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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