you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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