my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
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My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
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scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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