If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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