his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
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