Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize