Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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