I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
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i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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