Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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