talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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