My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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