saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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