Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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