i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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