hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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