So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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