i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think i have herpe
just one?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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