if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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