I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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