Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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