my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize