They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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