If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize