Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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