he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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