So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
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