Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
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Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
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THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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