god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
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I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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