i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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