I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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