Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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