also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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