So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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