There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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