The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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