I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
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You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
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It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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