I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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