my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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