just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
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also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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