Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize