I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
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Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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