this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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