Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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