At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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