We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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